I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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