It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
