well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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