My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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