I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
40s are totally the cure
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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