I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
