you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
The power of my boobs compel you
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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