I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
