Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
