I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm sobbing to NWA
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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