i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
