I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
