he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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