She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
