Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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