ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
All the doctor said was why
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
