i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
