I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
