"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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