Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
