Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
