My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
