I cut my penus on the lid.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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