All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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