I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
