im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
