you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
