ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
