Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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