Well apparently he's into motor boating.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
