dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
