Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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