Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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