i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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