apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
