All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
