I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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