wrigley field is MILF paradise
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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