I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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