chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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