Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
