I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
