I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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