i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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