Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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