Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
