Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(818): View more from California

i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."

Fav 59 1285 3458
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(917): View more from New York City

you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.

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(972): View more from Texas

Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.

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(303): View more from Colorado

And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?

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