who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
