you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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