dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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