there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
