between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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