every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
