So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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