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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
