woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
