i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
