I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
How does one acquire holy water?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
