If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
