Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Found the puke drawer
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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