she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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