wrigley field is MILF paradise
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize