Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
