you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
My dick has a subreddit
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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