I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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